


Only Love Can Hurt Like This

by TheVagabondBoy



Series: Shoot the Sunshine into My Veins [5]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And doesnt know what to with them, Arguing, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt, Frank Castle needs a hug, Frank has feelings, Hurt, Hurt Matt, Hurt No Comfort, Lazy Mornings, Love Confessions, M/M, Matt Murdock Needs a Hug, Morning After, Post-Break Up, Whump, hurt Frank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-10-30 00:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10865151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVagabondBoy/pseuds/TheVagabondBoy
Summary: Pain always seems to follow in the wake of love, doesn't it?





	1. When You Come Close I Just Tremble

**Author's Note:**

> Fic name and chapter names from:  
> Only Love Can Hurt Like This, by Paloma Faith

Warm and cozy and soft...pillows, covers, fresh sheets that still smelled like daisies even after a night of sleeping on them, Matt had never been this comfortable before.

His bruises didn’t hurt too bad, even the two cracked ribs on his left side didn’t sting all that much either. He was surrounded by thick down covers and big fluffy pillows, and Frank was next to him.

Matt rolled over to wrap himself around Frank.  _ Wait_...where was he? Though his body protested, Matt unearthed himself from under the covers and sat up. Once he got the sleep-haze out of his head, focusing his hearing was a little easier.

There he was, in the kitchen.

Frank stood by the stove, humming softly as a frying pan sizzled. Matt could smell...bacon. Eggs, coffee, tomatoes and cucumber and salad. Frank was making breakfast. Hm, at least he couldn’t claim Frank Castle wasn’t a man of his word, Matt supposed. A simple deal, Frank got an extra blowjob and Matt got a nice breakfast. Usually, one of them was gone well before the other woke up. Sure, maybe not the healthiest relationship in the world, but they weren’t exactly healthy people.

But Matt kind of wished it was... _more. _ They were...maybe not exactly boyfriends, but they were damn close to it. After the first time, or the first three depending on your perspective, they did have that talk. It was...awkward.  _ They _ were awkward. They weren’t exactly  _ in tune with their emotions, _ either of them. But Matt had proposed that they give it a shot, give each other a shot. God knows it wasn’t like they were going to find anyone else who was cool with the whole  _ vigilante _ thing.

Matt liked Frank; he knew Frank was a good person. Might not seem like it, but he was. He hadn’t been head over heels for the guy when they fucked in Frank’s kitchen, yeah, but...things change. There was a...a chemistry there, between them, that Matt couldn’t deny, no matter how hard he might try. So Matt was willing to try. If it worked, it worked. If it blew up in their faces...well, the whole world already thought the Punisher and Daredevil hated each other so acting the part probably wouldn’t have been too hard.

And Frank agreed to try. Matt supposed he wanted to feel something again. Have some thing good, or something at least half decent, in his life again.

It was a lot of sex in the beginning, not that either of them had a problem with that. But they were...what? Three months, give or take a little, into this thing and they were kind of actually acting like a couple. Yeah, one of them always bailed after sex, but other than that...it was good. Matt didn’t want to jinx anything, but he actually felt a little happy. He wasn’t going to pretend they were going to live out the American Dream or something, he wasn’t  _ that  _ delusional, but he could see this going somewhere. He could see himself still being with Frank in six months, which hadn’t happened with anyone since before he decided to get into the vigilante business.

Matt rolled out of bed. He found a pair of boxers in the mess of clothes that littered the floor. They had been a little too preoccupied last night to care about dirty laundry. When he pulled them on, he found they were a little too large on him. So they were Franks? Which meant he wasn’t wearing them himself.  _ Well, that could be fun_, Matt thought to himself as he shuffled out of the bedroom. Oh, those eggs smelled divine!

“Hey.” Matt said, voice hoarse from sleep, as he came into the kitchen.

“Hey.” Frank said, carefully moving a fried egg from the pan to a plate.

Matt cuddled up behind him and wrapped his arms around Frank’s waist. He underestimated how cold it would be to walk around in just boxers. Thankfully, Frank was better than a furnace on full blast. Matt buried his face in the nape of Frank’s neck, breathing in the delicious mess of smells. Franks own scent, traces of last nights activities, mixed in with the smell of fresh coffee and breakfast.

“Coffee?” Frank asked.

Matt hummed into his neck. Frank held up a cup, which Matt gladly accepted.

“Yours?” he muttered.

Frank scoffed at him. “What? Scared of my cooties?” he asked, the smile on his face obvious in his voice.

“ _Oh, please_. I sucked your dick, I already have cooties  _ all over me_.” Matt said then sipped the bitter drink over Frank’s shoulder. “But I want sugar. You never take sugar.”

Frank snorted, shaking his head slowly. “C’mon, get off me, I’m tryin’ to make breakfast.” he said. “Per the agreement.”

Matt hummed. He kissed Frank’s neck before extracting himself. He settled against the kitchen island instead, leaning back against it while he sipped Franks unsweetened coffee.

“It was a good agreement.” Matt said.

“Sure was.” Frank concurred, smiling again.

A pleasant silence fell over them. Frank puttered away over their food, Matt listened on in peace. It felt... _normal. _ It was almost weird. Matt hadn’t felt that normal in a long time. Like he was just a normal guy, having breakfast with his normal boyfriend before they both went off to their normal jobs, only to meet back up for a nice, normal dinner, maybe have a few friends over for a drink, then passing out on the couch together while watching Midsomer Murders reruns or something just as mindless. He could get used to it.

He smiled as Frank placed his hands on the counter on either of Matt’s sides, trapping him there. Matt set the coffee aside, while Frank gained a sudden interest in his neck. Tired, slow kisses down along his collarbone then right back up again until he was teasing at Matt’s lips with his tongue. Matt gladly fell head first into it. He wrapped his arms around Frank’s neck and pulled him even closer, until they were pressed against the counter and the sharp edge was digging into Matt’s back. Hm, brought back memories of their first time together.

“Love you...” Matt mumbled into Frank’s lips.

Frank pulled back, probably staring at him with big eyes.

“What?”

“I...I love you.”

Matt wasn’t sure  _ why _ he said it, it just slipped out, but as he thought about it...it was true. It was. He hadn’t considered it a possibility for a long time, so it had snuck up on him, he supposed. Thinking back on all the girlfriends and boyfriends he had had in the past, all the ones he had truly loved, and comparing them to this feeling...they paled. They fell short. They were miles away from how Frank made him feel. Hell, it sounded stupid to his own ears. He supposed he didn’t want to see it at first. He supposed that somewhere in his head he thought love would be dangerous, given their  _ ‘night jobs’. _ And it was. He had loved Elektra and look how that went.

But this could be different, right? He and Frank had survived so much. What was love going to do to them that hadn’t already been done?

Frank stepped back and turned to the stove again. He cleared his throat quietly, staring at his eggs.

“Frank?”

He shut off the plate. He stormed out of the kitchen and Matt was honestly a little stunned.

“Frank!” he called after him.

He heard Frank rifle around in the bedroom, digging through the mess and snatching up his clothes. What was he doing?

Matt ran to the bedroom, and blocked the door as best he could. What the hell was going on? What did he do?  _ What did he do? _

“Frank, what is it?” he asked. “What’s goin’ on?”

“We can’t do this anymore, Red.” Frank said as he grabbed his gear bag, stopping in front of Matt. “ _I _ can’t do this.”

“ _Why?_ ” Matt asked, just as accusing as intended. “Because I  _ love you?_”

Frank noticeably recoiled at the words. Who the hell did he think he was? They’re together for three months and as soon as Matt says the L word he up and  _ leaves_? Fuck that.

“Because some semblance of an  _ actual human emotion _ is too much for the Punisher to handle?” Matt asked, spitting the words in Frank’s face.

He could hear Frank’s heart pounding faster and faster, breathing quick and unsteady. Something was going on.

“Get outta the way, Red.” Frank bit.

“Fuck no!” Matt shouted back. “No. Open that big fucking mouth and  _ say something! _ Talk! For once, talk to me! Tell me what I did!”

Frank leaned in, radiating... _something. _ Not anger, not quite. Something like it, that Matt couldn’t name, that made Matt’s skin crawl.

“Get. Out. Of. The way.” Frank hissed at him.

“ _No._ ” Matt said again, planting himself harder. “Not until you talk to me. We’re supposed to be in a  _ relationship_, Frank. That means we  _ talk _ about things.”

He wasn’t prepared for Frank physically  _ shoving _ him out of the way. Matt stumbled back, caught by surprise, as Frank stomped past him. He had to grab at the wall to stay on his feet, but listened to Frank march towards the front door.

“Frank!” he shouted.

God, he was fucking  _ disgusted _ by how his voice sounded. So meek, wet with tears.

“We’re _not _ in a relationship!” Frank roared.

He threw his bag to the floor, his things and his guns landing with a harsh thud. He turned around, and no doubt fixed Matt with a  _ hateful _ glare. Oh, Matt’s stomach was turning. He wanted to throw up. What did he do?

“’S like I told ya.” he said, shrugging. “You’re a good lay.”

What?  _ What? _ It was just...just  _ sex_? Matt was just sex? A means to an end, someone to fuck whenever the itch happened to strike, someone to put his dick in and leave as soon as he was done. Some _thing _ to play with until he got bored and moved on?

Matt was  _ dying_.

He had to be. There was no other explanation as to why it felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and stomped on.

“But...we  _ talked _ and-” he tried.

“ _And _ I said what I had to say to keep gettin’ in your pants!” Frank interrupted, roaring at him like a lion.

Tears were rolling down Matt’s face. So there it was. Frank was using him for sex, and Matt was a  _ fucking idiot _ for falling for it. Falling for Frank! How  _ stupid _ could he be?

Why did he have to open his mouth? Why did he have to say anything?

“Just...stay away from me, Murdock.”

Frank grabbed his bag again. The echo of his steps made Matt’s head pound. The whole world seemed to rattle when the door slammed behind him.

*

Frank fucking hated himself. He was so fucking stupid. How could he let this happen? How could he let things get this far?

He’d had to end it. He’d had to end this...this _ thing _ he had with Murdock. Couldn’t let it keep going. Couldn’t let it get any worse.

And Matt just had to say it, he just had to say it and destroy it all.

But it wasn’t Matt’s fault. It wasn’t. Frank would’ve liked to pretend it was, would’ve liked to pretend it was all on him. But it was Franks fault. It was on  _ him_, the blame was on  _ him. _ He was the fucked up one. He was the one with the issues.

As long as Matt didn’t say it, it could go on. Frank could pretend he didn’t know Matt felt that way, that Frank himself didn’t feel that way. As long as it was unsaid, it was fine. It was  _ fine, _ and pretending was  _ fine. _ But he said it. He put it out there and Frank couldn’t...he  _ couldn’t. _

He was  _ protecting _ Matt. Might’ve broken his fucking heart but it was better that way. Better than the alternative. Better than Frank saying... _it, _ and Matt dying for it. Frank couldn’t say  _ it _ because he was  _ cursed. _ Cursed by the Devil himself, or the Universe, or Fate or whatever he was supposed to believe in. All he knew, was that everyone he had said  _ it _ to was dead. They all died. Maria. Maria and the...the kids.  _ The fucking kids_ _!_ How was that fair?! All gone, all dead.

Acid sloshed around in Franks veins. It burned so deep in his chest.

He lost it all once, couldn’t do it again. Couldn’t lose more, couldn’t lose another, couldn’t lose Matt. He was broken like that once, couldn’t survive it again.

Stereo blasting, TV on the highest volume, someone pounding on the door and yelling at him to keep it down, Matt wouldn’t hear, Frank was crying. Bawling, sobbing into his hands. Tears pouring like the fucking Niagara Falls, spit and snot dripping because who fucking cared? Who fucking cared at all about him and  _ his curse_?

Work. He had to focus on work, because if he focused on anything else, he’d go crazy. Just forget it all. Forget Matt, forget the feelings, forget what they had together, focus on work instead. Matt was gone, Frank didn’t say  _ it_, nothing for the curse to work on, forget it.

He shut off the stereo, muted the TV, kicked the door so hard the building rattled, whoever was yelling seemed to get the hint.

Nothing for the curse to work on, don’t forget that. It hurt like hell, like a ball of red-hot lead sizzling in his gut, but it was better. Nothing for the curse to take, nothing for him to lose, it was better this way.

*

Matt lay in bed, nose buried in the pillow Frank slept on. He was playing that morning on repeat in his head. It had been two days, and Matt had barely moved. He had only called Foggy to tell him he was taking a few sickdays. Foggy asked questions and Matt lied even though he had promised not to. But he’d never told Foggy about Frank; it was easier to tell one small lie about a stomach bug than to go over the whole thing and tear his own heart out all over again.

How did he fuck this up? Everything had been perfectly fine! Frank was making breakfast and Matt came in, they kissed and cuddled and shared a cup of coffee even though Matt hated coffee without sugar, and it was good. Then Matt was an idiot and opened his big, fat mouth and screwed it up.

It would have been okay if Frank didn’t feel the same way, or if he did and he just wasn’t ready to say it. It would’ve been okay, it would’ve been fine, Matt could’ve handled that. But the shit he said...that Matt was just  _ ‘a good lay’ _ ? That’s what hurt.  _ That, _ is what got to Matt.

He had genuinely thought there was something real between them. He had really thought that they could build something together. To think, that Frank had been lying to him? Saying what had to be said to get some more ass out of him?  _ Fucking asshole! _

Matt threw the pillow across the room.

“ _ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you! _ ” he screamed at it, at Frank. “ _ Fuck you, Frank! Fuck you! _ ”

It felt like he was being torn apart. Ripped to shreds from the inside, like something was nestled into his chest but was clawing it’s way out. He wanted to hit something, break something, take his anger and grief and pain out on something.

He had to admit though, Frank was a damn good liar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my feelings are hurt and im sorry


	2. Must Have Been a Deadly Kiss

He counted the days and he hated that he did.

Seven days, a whole week. Matt hadn’t expected to bounce back in an instant, no, of course he wouldn’t get over it in a week.

He had hoped, though. He had hoped he would forget it and move on, and not feel his heart clench at the mere thought of Frank or feel as though he was dying at any hint of the man’s scent. But he supposed  _ denial _ was another one of the Daredevil’s hidden powers.

Though, being the Daredevil was a nice escape. Putting on the mask, that new face, was like becoming someone else for a little while. Focusing on the work left no room in his head for thoughts of anything else. No thoughts about Frank, no hate for him, no love for him, and no guilt for breaking his promise and lying to Foggy again. For a few hours, Matt could be free of those things.

But the Kitchen was calm. It always seemed to be whenever Matt didn’t want it to be; when he needed the distraction of running, and fighting, and physical pain to ground him in the real world. He shouldn’t be mad though. Really, he should be happy,  _ overjoyed_. The Kitchen was calm, which meant there was no evil to root out and no evil-doers to put away. It meant the good could flourish and bloom.

He listened intently still. Just because the garden was thriving, didn’t mean there were no snakes in the grass.

“Don’t worry.”

Matt tensed at the voice, spine quivering inside him.

“Just passin’ through.”

_ Frank. _

*

The days were a crawl.

He still moved about in the day, did what he could in whatever dark corners were at his disposal. It was harder. Without the dark of night to cover his back, he was left exposed. Without Matt to see what he couldn’t, he was-

_ No. _

Don’t think about him, don’t think about it. Forget it. That’s what was decided. Forget it, move on, work.

So he tried to save it for nightfall. Tried to save work for when his back was covered and people too scared to refuse his help.

Just his luck, though. The dark was where Daredevil worked too. He tried to stay away, keep his distance, keep their paths from crossing, focus on work, but the Kitchen wasn’t exactly a big place and Frank couldn’t track him by hearing or scent or whatever it was this Devil did.

He climbed a ladder from one roof to another. This was a good spot; good sight-lines and the ladder was so rusty it creaked at the slightest touch so sneaking up on him would be hard. Setting up perch there for the night was a good plan. Listen in on the police band, keep his rifle at the ready, prepped to shoot and move at a moments notice.

Frank’s heart almost stopped when he saw the Devil was already there; he was perched at the corner of the building, ears and nose scouring for anything to jump on. He hadn’t heard Frank. Too focused on _ over there _ to notice  _ right here. _ Could probably sneak by without him noticing. Could probably be long gone before he thought to check his six. But  _ probably _ was stupid. He’d smell him, hear him trying to slither away unnoticed. Best to speak up, best to say something then move along and forget it and  _ focus_.

“Don’t worry.” he said.

His voice was steady. Whiskey kept him from shaking.

Daredevil flinched, surprised.

“Just passin’ through.”

*

Matt took a deep breath. He wouldn’t cry, not infront of him, wouldn’t give the bastard any more satisfaction.

Frank crossed the roof. He was walking fast. He probably wanted to put as much distance between them as possible. For  _ that, _ Matt sure as hell couldn’t blame him. He wanted to run too, and crawl into bed and cry even though he would hate himself for it.

“You owe me a fight.”  


The marine froze. He took a deep breath, heart speeding up. His fingers were shaking, making odd vibrations in the air. The image of him became distorted in Matt’s head. It was unnerving. Matt didn’t think for a second Frank would draw on him, but still, not being able to get a clear picture of those treacherous hands made Matt’s own hands twitch. He was ready to move, to dodge, to throw punches, if he had to.

“What?” Frank asked.

“A  _ fight._” Matt repeated. “That’s how this works, Frank. We fight, we break up, someone leaves.”

Frank’s heart was pounding then, like a bass drum right next to Matt’s ear. Matt stomped across the roof. Before he knew, he had shoved Frank with every ounce of strength he had.

“ _ That’s how it works! _ ” he shouted.

Frank hit the ground. He grunted and groaned at the pain of the fall, but said nothing.

“You skipped the first step.” Matt said, standing over him. “You broke up and you left, so _you_ _owe me_ a fucking fight.”

He took a wary step back as Frank started moving. The last thing he wanted was Frank to get the drop on him. Matt might be faster, lighter, but Frank hit harder. He had no mercy.

“I’m not gonna fight.” Frank said as he came to his feet.

Really? That’s how he was going to play it? Pretend to be the good guy in this, by refusing to fight and scream and yell? Well, Matt could fight for them both.

“ _ Fine! _ ” he shouted, shoving Frank again.

Lucky for him, Frank was ready that time. He staggered back, put off balance for a moment, but stayed on his feet.

“I’ll do the fighting.” Matt said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “I mean, that’s only right, isn’t it? I’m the only one  _ this,_” he continued, gesturing between them. ”-actually meant something to, right?”

“That’s not fair.” Frank said, shaking his head slowly as if to shake off the notion.

“Fair?  _ Fair?!_” Matt shouted at him. “I don’t give a shit what you think is fair, Frank. What would’ve been  _ fair_, is you tellin’ me you only wanted sex!”

 _ Oh, he was so angry! _ He still couldn’t believe it! Frank could have just told him that he wanted it to be casual!  _ Just sex! _ Matt was a fucking grown up! He could take it.  _ Just sex _ would have been fine, if Frank had fucking told him that’s what he wanted.

Now Matt wanted a fight. He wanted a screaming match for the ages, and  _ a fucking answer. _ Why? Why would Frank do this to him? He had trusted Frank! He had tried his hardest to make this thing between them  _ work. _ To find out that...that Frank never even cared? He just wanted to know why. There was no logic or reasoning in Matt’s mind anymore. He wanted to fight and scream and yell because he was in pain. The  _ betrayal _ burned in his chest like he had been stabbed with a red-hot poker.

“What d’you want from me, huh?” Frank asked. “What d’you want?”

He wasn’t yelling, and somehow that just made Matt even more angry. He literally just wanted to know why, and he fucking said as much already. God, he could just punch this asshole in the face!

“I wanna know why!” he shouted instead.

He knew taking the fight to a physical level was a bad idea.

“Why you’d lie like that! If sex’s all you wanted, you coulda fuckin’ said so!” Matt continued. “O-Or d’you think ‘cause I’m some prissy  _ altar boy _ I couldn’t handle that?! That I couldn’t handle gettin’  _ fucked out of my mind _ without feel-”

“I didn’t lie!” Frank interrupted, finally raising his voice. “Okay?  _ I didn’t lie._”

 _ Didn’t lie? _ Didn’t lie, Matt’s pearly-white ass! Frank had the actual audacity to say something like that  _ now? _ Matt had to scoff in ridicule.

“Considering our current situation, I beg to differ!” he said.

Frank crossed the distance between them in less than a second. He was the one doing the shoving then. Matt defiantly stayed on his feet,  _ refusing _ to fall.

“I thought I could do it, okay?! I thought I could do  _ this,_” Frank spat, and Matt saw a blurry hand gesture between them. ”-but I was  _ wrong!_”

“Oh, so you just decided to wait ‘til  _ I fell in love with you _ to break up with me?” Matt bit, spitting out the words as though they tasted of vinegar.

“Will you shut up?!” Frank shouted. “Just shut your fucking mouth!”

He shoved Matt again. His mind betrayed him, too wrapped up in anger to be prepared for another push. So he staggered back, and tripped over  _ his own goddamn feet. _ But Matt wouldn’t let it be over just because he fell on his ass. Frank was trying to walk away: trying to use Matt’s moment of incapacitation to run away like the fucking  _ coward _ he was.

“Why, Frank?!” Matt yelled after him. “You already know I fucking love you! So tell me why!”

His hands were wet and dirty from landing in a puddle of rainwater. Still, Matt gripped at the water as if it was a rock or anything solid, and threw it at Frank. It didn’t do anything; lonely drops spattering over the man’s back.

“I fucking deserve to know!” he shouted.

*

Why was he being so fucking  _ stubborn_?! Matt just had to be so stubborn all the fucking time, and Frank could fucking strangle him for it this time. Couldn’t he just  _ leave it alone? _ Just leave it alone, and let things be what they were. Things sucked they way they were, Frank knew it and he hated it, but it was better that way! Better that things were crap, than Matt dying. Than Matt dying and it being  _ Frank’s fault_.

“I wanna say it!” he yelled finally, turning back to glare at Matt.

_ Fine! _ If Matt wanted to know so fucking bad, then  _ fine! _ Frank would fucking tell him! Frank’d tell him why. Frank’d say why, but he’d rather die than say  _ it_. Frank rather  _ he _ die, than Matt.

“Okay?! Got it, Red? I wanna! I-I feel it!  _ Feel like you! _ Okay? A-And I wanna tell ya! I do!” he said, as Matt clamored to get to his feet. “Trust me, I wanna say it  _ so fuckin’ bad, _ but I can’t! I just fuckin’ can’t!  _ I can’t! I can’t fucking say it, Red!_”

“Why?!” Red shouted.

He grabbed Frank by the Kevlar, and jerked him closer. Frank resisted as best he could. Red was strong, though. He stumbled forward into Matt, chests bumping together.

“Why can’t you say it, you miserable fuck?!” Matt hissed through gritted teeth.

Frank growled. He grabbed Red’s wrists, twisted out to force him to let go, and threw him away while stepping back.

“’Cause you’ll die!” he roared.

Take it! Take the curse! Matt could carry it if he wanted, because  _ Frank was sick of it. _ Sick of being cursed, sick of being doomed, sick of not getting what he wanted, sick of not getting Matt. So Red wanted to have it? He could take it!

“I say it, and  _ you die! _ I say it and you fuckin’ die, just like-!”

Wanted to say it. Say it and scream it and yell it and spit it in his face to  _ make him understand. _ Just fucking understand it. Get it. How could he not get it? Stupid, stupid, stupid, so stupid.

“Like... _they did._ ” Frank said, voice soft like a whisper instead. “I say it, and you die like they did.”

Wanted to scream it in his face, but his throat wouldn’t let him. Wouldn’t let him use  _ them, that, _ as a weapon. Kind of glad for it. He’d be sick with himself if he did, if he did use it like that. Tried to manipulate that horror like that.

“Frank...”

*

Oh...oh, no. Matt, you idiot...you stupid, fucking idiot.

How did he not get it before? Any time before  _ this? _ Before he decided to do this to Frank. Of course  _ that _ would make this, this stupid fucking thing between them, difficult. Of course it would be hard for Frank to do anything like this again, have a relationship, without being scared to death that his partner would face the same fate.

“Frank...”

What could he say? What could Matt  _ possibly _ say now? When he had ripped and torn at Frank, and basically  _ forced _ him to lay his very soul bare?

Matt could smell the salt of tears, and it made for an odd mix as the tears rolled down Frank’s cheeks.

“Matt. I...I can’t.” Frank choked out, shaking his head slowly. “Can’t do it again, Red. Barely survived the first time. Won’t live through it another time. Won’t survive it.”

_ Oh, God..._Matt wasn’t sure he had ever heard Frank sound like that before; at least not many times. He sounded so...broken up inside. And Matt... _he got it. _ In one fell swoop, in a matter of seconds, Frank’s whole world had been ripped away. In just seconds, his Universe had imploded in on itself. He looked like it too. Frank’s shoulders were slumped lower than Matt had ever seen, head hanging as if there was too many heavy thoughts rolling around inside it, hands gripping loosely at nothing but air in restlessness.

“It’ll kill me, Red. Losin’ you like them... _it’ll rip me to pieces._ ” the man continued. “Can’t...put myself back together again.  _ Can’t do it again._”

He was such an idiot. He should have realized sooner. He should have  _ known _ from the moment this shit started that morning. How could he have overlooked it? Something so huge, and meaningful, and  _ unforgettable? _

“Oh, Frank...I’m an idiot.” Matt said.

There was nothing else to say. No right thing, no words that could explain or make up for all he had said and done.

“I’m such a fucking idiot.” he said again, insisted on it, like it would make Frank understand that Matt knew he was an idiot and messed up so fucking bad. “I didn’t- I didn’t even...I didn’t think-“

Frank shook his head again, slowly, minutely. He seemed close to frozen, almost catatonic. 

“Matt...” he said softly once more.

He sounded ready to surrender. To what he would be surrendering, Matt wasn’t sure. Yet, Frank both looked and sounded ready to  _ give in, give up, give out. _ Ready to break into pieces all over again, even though he had tried so hard to avoid doing just that.

Matt didn’t want him to. He didn’t want Frank to give up. He couldn’t  _ let him. _ He couldn’t stand by and watch silently as Frank died on the inside. Matt loved him, loved him infinitely and unendingly. It would kill Matt just as much to  _ watch _ Frank do this to himself. He couldn’t let it happen. Could never let it happen.

And it wouldn’t. It would never happen if Matt was there. So long as Matt was there to help carry whatever Frank had weighing on him, it would never drag the marine down. Matt would carry it all if that was what Frank needed him to do. If that meant that Frank would never say  _ it_, then so be it.  _ So be it. _ Matt could live with that. He’d be glad to live with it, if it made Frank stay with him. Matt could live with never hearing  _ it _ if Frank was there to hear Matt say it.

“Fine.” Matt said “ _ Fine. _ ”

He stepped into Frank’s space again. Though this time, there was no ill-intent. No anger, no grief, and no heartbreak. His hands found Frank’s face, smoothing out his hair and wiping the tears from his cheeks and running his thumb along the man’s bottom lip. God, he wanted to kiss him; wanted to kiss him and tell him it was  _ okay. _ It hadn’t been okay for a while, but now it was. It was okay now. They could figure this out. They  _ would _ figure it out.

“ _I’ll say it. _ I’ll say it for  _ me _ and I’ll say it for  _ you._” he promised, pressing quick kissed to the man’s face between words. “I’ll say it for the both of us.  _ It’s okay._”

The tears tasted as salty as they smelled, but Matt had missed this. Tasting Frank on his lips, and just  _ having him near_.

“Red?” Frank murmured.

He almost sounded as though he was in disbelief. As if he just couldn’t possibly believe what Matt was telling him.

“ _ I love you, Frank. _ ” Matt said, like a promise, like an oath. “And you love me too.”  


Even through his disbelief...Frank nodded. Sure, his eyes were overflowing with tears and his heart raced, but  _ he nodded. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall, sorry this took so long, it was just rly hard for me to get it right, yknow? No matter how i wrote it, it didnt feel right  
> but i hope its good enough! Hope you like it


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